J

I never do this.

Really.  I never do.

 You know, when a really sad, tragic thing happens, 

and everyone puts it on their blog like they knew the 

person and they were best friends?

I never do that.

A sad, tragic thing happened.

I do know the little girl it happened too,

she cheered with 2, and her older brother is

friends with 1.

But am I in their circle?  Do I know the family personally?

Not at all.

But since J got sick, and she is the little girl just to the left of 2 in this picture,

I had a sick, horrible feeling in my gut.  She had pneumonia.  It got out of control,

other bad things happened, and she ended up on life support for the past few months or so.

She died yesterday.

A beautiful, perfect, vibrant girl.

Who got pneumonia.

Which could happen to anybody.

To anybody's daughter. 

And the reason I am putting this on my blog, when I really have no business doing so, is this:

This is my family's journal.

And this hit me hard.

It hit me so hard I haven't been able to breathe since yesterday.

And I want to document that I truly, truly, truly believe that this little girl's

death is going to change me as a mother.

That this is going to be a changing point in my life.

Some things aren't going to change.  My kids will still speak to and treat me and Hughes with respect.  They will learn how to speak proper grammar.  They will be indoctrinated (well) in the ways of the Republican party, and so forth.  All these things will remain the same.

But, in the instant that I heard she died.

When 2 came in and told me.

And I LITERALLY lost my breath and started crying.
And I begged 2 (all 18 year old grown up and everything) to sit on my lap and let me hold her, and she did, for as long as I wanted while I cried.  I knew. 

I knew I had changed.

I knew from this day forward small stuff wasn't going to matter as much.

If they interrupted me during match point of an important grand-slam match (this already happened), I wasn't going to snap at them.  And I didn't.

If they wanted to accessorize to go to Fry's at 11 pm for milk, I would let them.

If I knew they were really, completely, exhausted and needed a rest.....I would let them rest instead of making them buck up and finish their work.

Because life is too short.

Things like this happen all the time.

And I want my home and myself to be a soft place for my children.  A place they can trust, and count on.  I'm not just here to be a drill sergeant and make them perfect.

I am here to love them and be their Mommy and be their safe place too.

And, thanks to J, I know I am going to do better at that.

Thank you, Jakelle.  

Thank you.