I get it. I finally get it.

This is kind of a long story, and it kind of beats around the bush alot. But I need to remember everything. And so it needs to be told.

Many years ago, I found myself pregnant with 1. Immediately I wanted her to be a girl so bad I thought I would die with the want of it. I'm still not really sure why. I mean, I had two brothers who were super cute and who I really loved. One of them was ten years younger than me, so I got to be there and remember every bit of his babyness. And I loved him so much. Still, I wanted my own baby to be a girl SO MUCH.

There were ultrasounds back then, and they had a pretty good chance of getting the gender right. I considered finding out what she was, but I didn't. And the reason I didn't was that I was so convinced that she was a boy, and I wanted to pretend she was a girl just a little longer.

When the day came, I will never, ever, ever, forget my shock and amazement and happiness and joy when I heard the words, "It's a girl". I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that everything I wanted had just happened. And she was such a perfect girl. And she still is.

3 years and a couple months later, I found myself pregnant with 2. I know most people would want a boy after having a girl. But I didn't. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I wanted her to be a girl so bad I thought I would die from the want of it. I decided to find out this time in advance. I remember so clearly being in the room with the ultrasound tech, and her asking me what we had at home already. I told her a girl, and she said, "Well, you're going to have another girl." She had an apologetic look on her face, I remember it still. Apologetic! I was so happy. I couldn't believe that everything I wanted had just happened. And she was such a perfect girl. And she still is.

Five years and a couple months later, I found myself pregnant with 3. Now, this may seem really hard for some of you to believe, but the moment I found out I was pregnant, I wanted her to be a girl so bad I thought I would die from the want of it. I still don't know why, but it's the truth. I wanted girls, I wanted daughters. When I found out she was a girl, I was so happy! I felt like I had truly hit the jackpot. Who gets to have three of a kind in a row? I couldn't believe that everything I wanted was happening. I couldn't believe I got to have another little Beauty. And she was such a perfect girl. And she still is.

A little over a year later, (So not my pattern. I don't want to talk about it.) I found myself pregnant with 4. And guess what? Okay, I won't make you guess. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I wanted her to be a girl so bad I thought I would die from the want of it. Looking back, as weird as it sounds, I think a little of it had to do with my self-diagnosed OCDness. I just wanted to round it out in style. No odd numbers, you know? Also, I just longed for another girl. For another daughter. I don't really know why, but I did. And when she was born I couldn't believe that everything I wanted had happened. That I got my littlest Beauty, my little Precious, another girl. And she was such a perfect girl. And she still is.

Now, I have to tell you that I have lots of Nephews. Lots of perfect, fabulous nephews. I seriously love them hard. I mean it. I couldn't love them more. It's not that I was anti-boy, it was something else. To this day I'm not really sure why I felt the way I did. But I can tell you this: What happened was my dream come true.

Fast forward to December 16, 2010 with me. Hughes and I were newly licensed to Foster 2 and unders. I got a call from CPS about a three day old boy who needed a home. I was excited as I headed over to pick him up. I was excited to finally mother a little boy. I was excited, but I didn't understand, not really. I didn't get it. Everything in my heart was about to change forever. My whole outlook on my organized life, really. It all started that day.

I loved him fiercely from the minute I got home. I thought about him constantly, I held him constantly, I marveled about his boyness constantly.

As he grew, and developed his boy-sonality, I was done for. I had no idea this was what the boy thing was about. He was so different, so much more aggressive, more loud even. That baby was all boy.

He lights up with joy when he sees Hughes, and that simultaneously melts and breaks my heart. The look between a boy and his daddy. Unforgettable.

I found myself dreaming of getting lots of boys. Hughes says that boys need brothers. Well then, I thought, lets get some brothers. I can do this. I LOVE this even. I love it so much.

We may be able to keep this boy. It's possible, but not very likely. This is a fact we have known from day one, even though his situation is always changing. We were going to have him for 2 months, and then 6. He is now 7 months and he is still here with me. Thank Goodness.

If he does go, and I know that he probably will, I just want him to know that I owe him forever. Because he is the one who had me fall in love with boy-ness. He is the one who brought me the absolute joy of being a boy mother. When Hughes and I have 4 boys someday, and we will, it will be all because of him. My baby. My little boy baby.

Dear Baby:
You have changed me forever. I love everything about you, always have, always will. Until the day I die I will remember the way you looked at me and your big hazel eyes and your happy laugh. I will remember the hours I have spent holding you, rocking you, marveling over you. I will remember that you were always exactly the right size, not too big, not too little. I will remember how much you love your bottle and hate baby food. I will remember that nothing much upset you. I will remember that you loved Olive without fear. I will remember that you were never scared of water and never cried in the tub. Mostly, I will remember that I was your Mommy. You are the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I will never, ever, ever, EVER forget you.
Love,
Mommy